War paint, for sailing the seven seas

'Why didn't I just go dressed as Luffy
from One Piece?'

So, I recently had to dress up for Imperial/UCL Japan Society boat party! And it was a ton of work, at least for me, so I figured I'd write about my amazing journey into the feminine world of cosmetic treachery, deception and illusions.

Hair
I attempted to curl it using some stronger products this time, but once again my incredible genetics won out. 'Firm hold', my flat, Asian ass. Gave up on that, secured the rest with a hairband and clip, and then twisted some fabric flowers into it. I borrowed the idea from Star Wars Ep. III's funeral scene.

Eyeshadow
I usually don't use this, but I thought I'd give coloured eyeshadow a go. I was wearing a green dress with silver accents, so I went for silver eyeshadow with a little smudge of greenish teal towards the outside.

For this, I used various 17 Eyes eyeshadows (17 eyes D:). I feel somewhat wary about buying that brand because 17 is a long way behind me now, but as yet no Boots cashiers have laughed in my face and snootily enquired if it wasn't a little 'young' for madam...

Eyeliner
I tried several brands of pencil eyeliner in the past. I don't know whether it's that I have eyelids oilier than ten thousand McDonalds meals or what, but they all kind of dusted off slightly over time, resulting in my overeye line ending up also below the eye. Panda eyes!

I wish I looked this cuddly when my eyeliner shifts.

So for once, I 'splashed out' (hah) £8 on some Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner in Espresso Ink, which is just a more delicious sounding way of saying 'brown coloured'. I suppose a makeup range with colour names like 'turd' or 'asphalt' may not sell so well. Anyway, I like this stuff. It actually stays put!

Mascara
I am not fond of mascara. I just cannot get it right. Inevitably some of it smudges onto an eyelid, then I poke myself in the eye with the wand, and a great clod of it falls off into my eye and forms a waterproof blob of fail orbiting my pupil. And so I'm left crying and clutching my bloodshot, streaky eye, lamenting everything wrong with the world.

Because I hate it and usually skip it, I'm still on the first tube I got. It's called Maybelline 'The Falsies' Volum'Express Waterproof 2: Electric Boogaloo. Seriously, it's like no-one can just call their product 'mascara' and be done with it.

Meanwhile, at the Maybelline factory.

And with that, my eyes were done.

Of course, none of this would show up on photo, that would
just be too easy.

Concealer
I've currently got a red scrape, bang in the middle of my nose. It's a remnant from my acrobatic double life as software engineer by day, cat burglar by night, and a laser beam that got too close. No, it's not because I scratched an itch too hard, why would you even say that? Get out of here. At the same time, I've been rather sickly this week, so I probably have the eye-bag equivalent of two rubbish sacks right now.

I use a blend of Revlon PhotoReady in Light Medium, a stick concealer, and the liquid MAC Select Cover-Up in NC30. Revlon's pretty good at covering, but it has little sparkly bits, which are harvested from the shed skin flakes of real vampires (maybe) and can cause an effect called 'cast'. These sparkles reflect light, which is fine and dandy until a camera flash, when all the areas you were trying to hide are suddenly blindingly white.

So I conceal the concealer (!) with a thin layer of the MAC liquid concealer. I find the MAC stuff a little too thin on its own, but it has a much less cakey finish, reduces the levels of Cullen detritus on my skin and colour matches my blindingly yellow skin nicely.

And so I evolved from 'me' to 'me with a bunch of paint on my face'. Fuck yeah.

Oh my god, I painted my nails silver too,
with all the finesse of a mentally-challenged
three-year-old.